One of my favorite things to do is get out my notebooks from over the years or blog posts after I started writing and reread them. Try to put myself in the shoes of who I was then. What I was trying to get through at that time. Some of them I remember like yesterday, the big victories. The truly inspiring moments, but others seem so minuscule and unnecessary now.
However, after a week fresh out of converge 2020 my mind has changed on how I see those otherwise minuscule moments I overlook when reading my entries.
Converge 2020 wasn’t life changing in the same ways it was last year. It wasn’t ugly crying at small group. Every. Single. Night. It wasn’t tearing my heart out and giving it to God. Honestly it wasn’t emotional until the very last night.
To nobody’s surprise one person in particular, Holly, got to all of us in her talk Thursday night. It’s as if she opened the window to the breeze for people who weren’t even aware for themselves what they were feeling subconsciously.
She talked of Elijah and how he ran. How he threw himself a pity party. And that’s a feeling I’ve have encountered wayyyy too many times in life. I’ve been there. I know why Elijah felt how he felt. Like God abandoned him. Like he was alone. He was disappointed that life didn’t turn out how he wanted it to.
So Holly had us right a statement and fill in our blank. I’m disappointed about ________. Without a second thought my blank was filled with my dad missing my wedding.
It’s something I thought I had accepted and even found alternate ways to include him still. Converge 2019 was when I faced all that mess and everything surrounding it. I was better. I am better. I’m stronger. I’m ok. I’m happy. I’m living and loving life.
Even that night at small group I was ok. I shared and moved on. But it wasn’t until “share night” that I lost it. I hadn’t planned on sharing because in my eyes my week was low-key. No new life. no big deal. However, God saw different. A few hours before programming I felt a sudden urge to write, and I knew it was downhill from there cause inevitably I’d feel God push me up to that mic in front of everyone to share.
So I wrote. And wrote. And wrote. Until I had my still seemingly unimportant story. Nevertheless I gave in to the push and I shared. Guys, I read this over and over before hand. Yet it wasn’t until I got up there to share that it hit me as I read it. To hear myself say these words…
My dad will miss my wedding. My dad won’t walk me down the aisle. My dad will miss my daddy daughter dance. And tears started flowing before I even said it cause I knew the words were coming. My heart began to race and in that moment I was so glad I wrote it out or I would’ve been lost.
My point in sharing all of this goes back to Holly. She said one thing that will stick with me forever. Elijah was looking for another fire, and God came in a gentle breeze. She said if you only look for the big moments you’ll miss him in the little moments.
The moments that seem minuscule and unimportant. The ones you over look. The ones that I brush off when reading old written entries.
That’s what I expected this spring break. Nothing life changing. Just another week enjoying the gorgeous landscape of Tennessee. I had my “big fire” last year. Last converge I was still dealing with so much. I resolved so much. Faced even more. And committed to not living my life with those shackles. I was ready to take on the world and honestly I feel I did.
I grew in my relationship with God as opposed to a religion. I started Ferris state university. I graduated high school and college with a degree. I got engaged. My year was actually easy and enjoyable. For the first time since my dad died it was the truth. For the first time I truly felt changed unlike I always thought I had but never actually changed anything.
I came in to find more tools to take with me into marriage. To a fiancé who is new to his faith. To a new journey in my own faith. The things I conquered last year still have their place in me. They always will. But the difference is they don’t control me anymore.
One statement. One night. Not a week of growth. Not even a conversation. One simple statement was all it took to change my week. To realize that God is there to make me resilient when valleys come again.
My life is no longer dwelling on what I can’t change in the past only what I can do in the future and that’s what last week showed me. And if it wasn’t for that one statement I would’ve missed my gentle breeze breeze moment just like Elijah almost did.
Sometimes God makes big moves in life. There clear as day. But sometimes God just wants to remind you he’s there without stirring things up to much,and it’s clear as mud. He doesn’t always bring a fire that strikes a soaked alter. It could be the driving by a mountain, the sunset, or a very photogenic fish (just a few of my favorites from my trip).
Just remember. He sees the big picture. And all the moments matter. Big or small. In the words of a wise man who also went on converge…
“You see in years, he sees in generations”- Eric Tworek