Most inspiration hits during heartache or hardship. Whether it be a death, loss of a job, natural disaster, etc. That’s when some of the best songs and books are written.
The words just come to you without even having to think. There’s just so much to say trying to figure out your emotions and feelings. It’s real, raw, and often relatable to at least a few people. So, then what happens after you’re happy again? After life is going good? After you’re not constantly living in pain and grief?
That’s the question I’ve asked myself for probably a year or two. I had so much to share. So many words to say after my dad died. I wanted to share my story. The good and bad. To help others.
But what happens when that pain subsided and doesn’t consume me anymore? My life is less than exciting, maybe busy, but just typical stuff for us. Work, school, and hunt and fish anywhere we can. I don’t usually have anything to say anymore but I love writing. I love helping people with my words whether they want to hear them or not. I have people tell me all the time how I help them when I just have a conversation. How together I sound and how I seem to just have life figured out.
Let me start first by saying that I have life far from figured out and I’m just waking up and winging it everyday like everyone else. I just have an amazing God. But I have that gift. Helping others with advice from my experiences even if they don’t want to hear it. People come to me and God just takes over and I love it so much. Whether it be here where you’re reading now or getting lunch with a friend I just find myself in those situations a lot.
My pain was my dad and everyone I lost after him in the short timeframe of 5 years. I still miss my dad. But that pain doesn’t drive my life anymore. I’m not consumed by it. I have an amazing life that I’m so thankful for. Simply put I’m happy.
There are days that get me. On my wedding day I wore his boots down the aisle. And I couldn’t even put them on without crying and definitely couldn’t hold it back when taking them off. Even if he wasn’t there you could just feel him. Or at least I could. But I closed a chapter that day. I walked down the aisle in his boots, and left, leaving his boots and his last name.
It was almost like I let another tiny part of him go. And that broke my heart. It was so symbolic to me after all the pain and everything I had gone through for over 8 years. Everyone that was sitting in those seats were ones who showed up in one way or another for me. Both my parents walked me down the aisle and I wouldn’t of wanted it any other way or any other man to be my “on earth dad”. I danced my daddy daughter dance with the 6 men who stepped up in every way they could’ve to make my life the best it could be. I cried. A lot. A lot of people cried with me. But that night was my last at a Searfoss.
When I left I was opening the door to a new life. A new family. A new stage. A new chapter.
There will be more when it comes time for kids and passing on his legacy to the next generation. His birthday is always hard and his death date will never go unnoticed on my calendar it’s the day my life would never be the same. It’s now fall and I think of my dad daily especially being in a tree. It was his favorite time of year and mine as well. I feel so connected to him and who he was and who I strive to be. But it’s different now. I don’t know how to explain it but it’s different.
I’ve missed him for many, many milestones. First kills, hunting in general, fist salmon landed by myself, driving, graduation, college, wedding. And there will be more to come no doubt. But that part of my life is over now I feel like. It breaks my heart to think of what he’s missed and what he will miss, but one day I’ll have eternity to tell him everything.
So with that I come to a crossroads. What about my blog. What about my possibly useless stories and advice nobody asked for. I’ve kept my blog this long because I keep telling myself I need to. That I need to pursue the gift God gave me. But I definitely don’t need any heartache I’ll take the good spot I’m in. I just pray everyday God will give me the words so I can keep doing something else I love and that people will read and take something from it.
I suppose I’ll end with this. I’ll share for as long as God gives me words. You may or may not need to hear any of it. But you may not be the audience God needed it to reach. The words may be useless and irrelevant but this is the only thing that I have found is mine. It’s the gift God gave me. Sharing and helping with my words. And it’d be a shame to let it go to waste, so bear with me, and ride along as I begin a new path on my blog from heartache to happy. And be prepared for random posts as I navigate a new stage in life.
Because I’m no longer a grief consumed teenage girl. Who doesn’t know where to turn or who she is. I’m Lexi Brown. A wife. A dog mom. A college student. A Christian. Who has a relationship with God who got her through. Who is pushing her way through a mans dominated career one class and job at a time. Who loves to hunt and fish. I’m just me figuring out who I am and who I will be. Living without regrets, building a life with my best friend, and trying to build a legacy that includes my dads and getting ready to pass it onto the next generation.
On a side note, if you think you’re story is over. Think again. God always has got a plan, just trust it and keep living. If you think you’ve done all you can or contributed all you can. Keep pushing. Somebody out there needs your talent. Your gift. Share it with the world. If you’re on this earth God needs you. And he put you here for a reason to fulfill a purpose, wear that proudly.