“Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”- Matthew 17:20
After my Dad died I found my first “impossible”. Happiness. Contentment. Just simply being able to enjoy life. When he died it took my life and flipped it in any way possible. I was full of grief and anger. Why my dad? Why me? I was mad at God for taking him away when I wasn’t ready.
I fell away from my faith. Truth is I was just going through the motions with that as well. I came from a family that went to church, went to church functions and lived the Christian life every day. It was just what I was supposed to do.
However, when my dad died I started questioning things. Of course, I knew that I needed to fall back on my faith at that point, but it was so hard when he just took away the most important man in my life. I wanted to do it on my own.
As you can expect nothing good came of this. I was miserable. I just wanted to see my dad again. I wanted him to sweep me up and tell me everything is going to be ok.
But, even in my time of doubt and rebellion God still took care of me. He pulled me through when I didn’t want help. After about 2-3 years, I gave in. I realized I can’t do this on my own, but it was still hard to dive back into my faith.
Until my boyfriend broke up with me…After 6 months out of the blue, he dumped me. I thought I had fixed my problem and found happiness. God said no, he’s not it. Lean on me again, I am here. I decided that obviously I had no idea what I was doing and I was so wrong in my choices.
I told myself for at least the next year I would focus on me. No boys, no friend drama, just me and my relationship with God.
Over that next year, I learned a lot of things about myself and who I wanted to be. Finally, I was getting back on the right track. God brought me back to what was important. He helped me make peace with my Dad’s death and events following shortly after.
Then on October 11th, he brought the final step of regaining my childhood faith. My boyfriend Eric. This has nothing to do with boyfriends but everything to do with Christianity. See, Eric went to church when he was little but then because of life happening hadn’t gone since.
Because my faith is so important to me I want my partner in life to feel the same. I invited him to church with me to which he came and has since. He goes and enjoys going. We talk about it and how he feels. As expected he’s not ready yet but wants to continue learning before committing.
The thing is I watch him getting excited and want to go. That, in turn, has the same effect on me. I find myself wanting to go, wanting to do devotions and pray my heart out again. I want to be there for him for questions, advice, whatever it may be. We can grow together in our faith. If God sees fit of course.
After all my rambling I promise I have a point to this. Which is that I had so little faith in my heart after my dad died. Yet, God was still there to carry me through. He had a greater plan for me than to just let me roll over and quit. Then, even in my still questioning state, he brought me a guy who has become very important in my life and who I hope to be who I spend my life with.
He brought me happiness again and someone to share it with even while I had faith smaller than a sesame seed. He moved those mountains of grief and anger and revealed a beautiful valley of faith for me to strive in.
Even during your darkest moments where God is not your favorite right then, he will still be there. When your faith is wavering he will strengthen it. I can’t tell you how because I’m still amazed how he did me but I can tell you I’m in a much better place now though.
Let God take over in your life. He knows whats for the best and trust me we don’t have the slightest idea. Give it to God and let him mold you into who he wants you to be. Life will be a million times better. And before you know it your faith will return bringing your smile and happiness with it.